Rising Strong and Rumble Dreams

Recently I finished reading Rising Strong by Brene Brown. In her book, Brene states that there are 3 phases or 'acts' of overcoming a tough problem. 1. The Reckoning 2. The Rumble and 3. The Revolution. The reckoning is where you get to the point where you recognize what your problem is and you can't avoid facing it. The rumble is the phase where you try and fail and try again and work hard to solve your problem. The revolution is where you get to otherside of your mountain. You are changed and victorious. One of the things that she said is that so many people when describing their success skim over this phase as 'it was hard, and I pushed through it'. She said more people need to share their stories about how they actually got through the difficult spots.
 As far as graduate school is concerned I am still in Act II. I know the finale is coming, but I'm not there yet. It's still hard. Many people still think I am crazy. Another thing about me is that I have a tendency to have vivid dreams that often represent things I am dealing with. (And no, not abstract vague voodoo things, but dreams that portray things that I am dealing with.) I thought I would share them here (and honestly I have been meaning to write them down for awhile) because perhaps it may help people with their own struggles. (Or maybe you may just enjoy the crazy things that go through my head at night.)

Backstory: Graduate school last semester was rather soul-sucking. I have too much student debt to quit without graduating. In order to attend school I have to have health insurance, it is required. My husband's employer does not offer it. At the time high deductible private insurance cost us more than $1100 per month. And I was struggling to find a job that was willing to work around school, wasn't trying to do shady things with my license and offered insurance. I looked into cheaper and closer graduate programs, but to transfer would mean scrapping too much of the work I had already done and would take longer in the end.

 Dream 1: I was in the ocean with my husband and my kids. Previously something had happened to the boat we were on. We were holding arms together in a circle and we were treading water. Everyone was miserable. My kids were crying and wanted to give up. I wanted to give up. I could tell by looking at my husband that he was miserable, but I know that he won't give up on me or the kids. We are both so exhausted trying to keep the kids and ourselves from drowning. We are all so tired of fighting. We have no idea which direction is the closest way to land. Every time a wave would wash over our heads, we would hold tight to each other and feel a little more defeated as we fought to rise to the surface again. We would choke and sputter and rally again. My legs did not want to move, but I made them move because I can not give up trying to get my kids to safety. Eventually we made it to a small sandy island that was big enough for the five of us to sit on. I woke up completely exhausted.

 Eventually I found a job that gave me benefits and worked around school. (Hooray!)

More backstory: As I have been embarking on this graduate school and advanced practice nursing journey, I've been trying to figure out exactly where I want to go with it. And I could debate back and forth forever. Of course it is difficult to determine right now. I have more than a year left, the jobs that are available at the moment, most likely will not be when I am finished. And school probably will not end when I finish this degree. I can get a Doctor of Nursing Practice (DNP), a PhD, a second Master's Degree in Psychology or a Masters in Public Health, or some combination. Any of these can help me provide better care to children. However, it's hard to say which is the best plan for me and my family. It's hard to evaluate the pros and cons of any direction. I have spent hundreds of hours talking to people, and researching different options. The paths are not very clearly defined. It makes it difficult to know which step to take next.

Dream 2: I went hiking with Brene Brown. The scenery was impossibly picturesque. It was like Zion's National Park, Arches National Park, Iguazu Falls and Final Fantasy XII all rolled into one. So pretty. On our hike we ate lots of dark chocolate and I talked about my ideas for public health interventions to improve pediatric health. I was so excited to talk about my ideas and the things that I wanted to do, and Brene was excited too. She told me 'You need to do this, these ideas need to be tried. Do the research to support your interventions.' We talked, hiked and ate dark chocolate for hours. It was amazing. I woke up pumped and with increased resolve to keep going even though sometimes graduate school is terrible.

Authenticity

 This semester I am taking advanced nursing research. Part of that is discussing the qualities that define good research. One of those qualities is authenticity. Authentic research means that everyone

had a chance to give their input. This input leads to insights and improvements. Authenticity leads to increased understanding of self and others. That kind of introspection leads to more thought and all of these insights and improvements lead to action.
 It's obvious why authenticity in nursing research is important. (I have dozens of mind gears turning of how I can use this in my future practice, but I'll save those ideas for when they are more fleshed out.) If we skew results to what we think we should find instead of what we actually find we can not effectively address problems. And really, what's the point of doing research that is inauthentic? To produce dishonest  and inauthentic research is not only wildly unethical, it is down right dangerous and it minimizes the validity of evidence-based practice. (The one study linking MMR to autism that was proven to be fraudulent comes to mind. ) That is why it is important that nursing researchers consult with patients other providers to hear their opinions. That is why peer review is an essential step in the research process.
 As I was reading about what makes authentic research, I couldn't help but notice that authenticity is also important in organizations and relationships. If you have a company that listens to their customers and employees they are able to use those insights to improve their product, to think about what that feedback and use it to get a better result. The same goes for a family. If you are in a place where you can be honest about who you are and how you feel, you are more likely to connect with other family members. When you are authentic about who you are, you are quietly giving other permission to do the same. When everyone can be really honest and listen to one another, it improves communication and it helps everyone to be more effective! Sometimes I feel in relationships we don't address issues because we feel so much pressure to be perfect 'I'm not supposed to be upset about X'. This leads to people not talking about it and not trying to solve the problem. Ignoring problems usually doesn't make them go away. In the past couple years my husband and I came to a place where we decided to be more authentic with one another and our relationship is a hundred times better. We are better partners and we are better parents. We as a team are getting more done and life is more enjoyable too. (Not that things are perfect, they're not. Stressful things still happen and there is that whole graduate school business that I deal with on a daily basis.) Authenticity is powerful.
 Being authentic can be really difficult, especially if you are living in a culture that has so much pressure on you to be very different than who you truly are. Or if you made yourself vulnerable in the past and the result was that you were hurt by the person that you were sharing with. But life is too short to spend it trying to be someone other than who you are. To paraphrase Brene Brown, in order to be successful and love others, you have to love yourself. You have to BE yourself. Recognize that you are loveable and go out and share who you truly are with the world.