Rising Strong and Rumble Dreams

Recently I finished reading Rising Strong by Brene Brown. In her book, Brene states that there are 3 phases or 'acts' of overcoming a tough problem. 1. The Reckoning 2. The Rumble and 3. The Revolution. The reckoning is where you get to the point where you recognize what your problem is and you can't avoid facing it. The rumble is the phase where you try and fail and try again and work hard to solve your problem. The revolution is where you get to otherside of your mountain. You are changed and victorious. One of the things that she said is that so many people when describing their success skim over this phase as 'it was hard, and I pushed through it'. She said more people need to share their stories about how they actually got through the difficult spots.
 As far as graduate school is concerned I am still in Act II. I know the finale is coming, but I'm not there yet. It's still hard. Many people still think I am crazy. Another thing about me is that I have a tendency to have vivid dreams that often represent things I am dealing with. (And no, not abstract vague voodoo things, but dreams that portray things that I am dealing with.) I thought I would share them here (and honestly I have been meaning to write them down for awhile) because perhaps it may help people with their own struggles. (Or maybe you may just enjoy the crazy things that go through my head at night.)

Backstory: Graduate school last semester was rather soul-sucking. I have too much student debt to quit without graduating. In order to attend school I have to have health insurance, it is required. My husband's employer does not offer it. At the time high deductible private insurance cost us more than $1100 per month. And I was struggling to find a job that was willing to work around school, wasn't trying to do shady things with my license and offered insurance. I looked into cheaper and closer graduate programs, but to transfer would mean scrapping too much of the work I had already done and would take longer in the end.

 Dream 1: I was in the ocean with my husband and my kids. Previously something had happened to the boat we were on. We were holding arms together in a circle and we were treading water. Everyone was miserable. My kids were crying and wanted to give up. I wanted to give up. I could tell by looking at my husband that he was miserable, but I know that he won't give up on me or the kids. We are both so exhausted trying to keep the kids and ourselves from drowning. We are all so tired of fighting. We have no idea which direction is the closest way to land. Every time a wave would wash over our heads, we would hold tight to each other and feel a little more defeated as we fought to rise to the surface again. We would choke and sputter and rally again. My legs did not want to move, but I made them move because I can not give up trying to get my kids to safety. Eventually we made it to a small sandy island that was big enough for the five of us to sit on. I woke up completely exhausted.

 Eventually I found a job that gave me benefits and worked around school. (Hooray!)

More backstory: As I have been embarking on this graduate school and advanced practice nursing journey, I've been trying to figure out exactly where I want to go with it. And I could debate back and forth forever. Of course it is difficult to determine right now. I have more than a year left, the jobs that are available at the moment, most likely will not be when I am finished. And school probably will not end when I finish this degree. I can get a Doctor of Nursing Practice (DNP), a PhD, a second Master's Degree in Psychology or a Masters in Public Health, or some combination. Any of these can help me provide better care to children. However, it's hard to say which is the best plan for me and my family. It's hard to evaluate the pros and cons of any direction. I have spent hundreds of hours talking to people, and researching different options. The paths are not very clearly defined. It makes it difficult to know which step to take next.

Dream 2: I went hiking with Brene Brown. The scenery was impossibly picturesque. It was like Zion's National Park, Arches National Park, Iguazu Falls and Final Fantasy XII all rolled into one. So pretty. On our hike we ate lots of dark chocolate and I talked about my ideas for public health interventions to improve pediatric health. I was so excited to talk about my ideas and the things that I wanted to do, and Brene was excited too. She told me 'You need to do this, these ideas need to be tried. Do the research to support your interventions.' We talked, hiked and ate dark chocolate for hours. It was amazing. I woke up pumped and with increased resolve to keep going even though sometimes graduate school is terrible.

African Americans, Diabetes and Thinking Like a Freak

Last week I was listening to Think Like a Freak: The Authors of Freakonomics Offer to Retrain Your Brain . The whole premise of the book is looking at problems from different angles. In it the authors shared the story of an economist who was interested in why is it that African Americans have such higher rates of diabetes and heart disease compared to other parts of the population. This is so even if you account for things like stress, education and income level. If you look at European Africans or Native Africans, their incidence of diabetes and heart disease is far less than African Americans. This isn't racism, it's just statistics. Then why is it that African Americans are prone to have these problems? The economist's theory (which he is still researching) is that those who survived the slave trade had a genetic propensity to be able to withstand extreme dehydration, because they held more salt in their sweat and bodily fluids, they retained more water.  This leads to a higher oncotic pressure in the blood and more cardiovascular damage. These people who had this characteristic  would have more tendency towards heart disease and would pass this on to their descendants, modern African Americans. Slave- traders actually selected for this characteristic by licking potential slave purchases and selecting people who tasted more salty.

An Englishman tasting an African

Now this is all well and interesting, (and the history of the slave trade is very tragic) but so what? What can we do with this information right now? This morning I had an 'ah-ha' moment while listening to my pharmacology lecture. There is a newer group of diabetic medications known as SGLT2 inhibitors (Invokana) which inhibit sodium & glucose transport in the kidney which leads to less sodium and glucose in the blood, and is essentially an osmotic diuretic. One of the side effects is weight loss and patients are more likely to experience DEHYDRATION. This is a the perfect medication to give to patients who are genetically resistant to dehydration. Of course has a pediatric nurse practitioner it is not likely that I will be treating African American patients with Type 2 diabetes, and I'm sure that someone else out there has already made this connection, but I was excited about it and am so grateful for science and people who think outside the box to try to find solutions to problems and improve healthcare.

Book Review: Yes, Please

The biggest reason I chose this book is am an Amy Poehler fan. I love that she is funny, a feminist and very outspoken that girls should have opportunities in science and other academic fields. And the audio book is fun because she has some fun actors helping her to narrate it like Patrick Stewart, Carol Burnett and Kathleen Turner. (Also I love audio books because they make catching up on laundry and dishes more fun.) As I started listening to it I thought it was awesome that Amy Poehler is a mom of small children who works full-time who is passionate about life and I think she has some good points for those who trying to juggle all the busy things that fill our lives. Although there is a whole lot of raunchiness, and I did not like the book nearly as much as I was hoping that I would. I don't know that I would recommend it. (I did LOVE the chapter when she talking about making Parks & Rec. I also loved the chapter where she talked about visiting Haiti.) Having said that, I do think there are several worthwhile pieces of advice. So without further ado, advice and inspiring thoughts from Amy Poehler's book, Yes, Please

• Discover what your 'currency' is. What aspect of life is really important to you? Let go of the things that aren't you.
• More women should adopt the motto "Great for her, not for me."
• As a woman, it takes years to find your voice and figure out who you really are.
• Any painful experience helps you see things differently
• Fighting aging is like the war on drugs. It's expensive, pointless and never ends.
• Getting older means you get super powers. :) You're wiser, people notice you less and you can laugh at younger people doing stupid things.
• Ignore what other people think, most people aren't paying attention to you anyway.
• Write. Create. Take risks.
• If you are afraid to look stupid you should probably go home.
• It is easier to be brave when you are not alone.
• Every mother needs a wife, someone to take care of you so you can take care of everyone and everything else. (Of course, that's easier said than done.)
• Doing something together is more fun than doing it alone.
• Other people are not medicine.
• Everyone wants to hear your most embarrassing moment. You don't have to share.
• There is a difference between talent and determination.
• Ambivalence is key to success. You need to not care what other people think of you. You have to not care how you look. 
• When someone is being rude or abusing their power, call them out on it.
• Too often women try to tackle problems that are not our own. 
• Take time to be in the moment.
• Hopefully you can get to the place you need to be.
• Drugs make folding your laundry bearable? (I'll take my audio books, thank you.)
• Going outside in your pajamas makes you feel like you are breaking out of jail.
• What truly heals is gratitude and tenderness.
• A person is more than the tragedies that they experience.
• You can change your story.

Gratitude this Holiday Season

 Lately I have been listening to the audiobook  'If This Isn't Nice, What is?- Advice to the Young: The Graduation Speeches' by Kurt Vonnegut. In his speeches he touches on many subjects from global warming, adulthood, relationships, politics, education, divorce and family. As he dispenses advice, I find his sarcasm and crankiness somewhat endearing.  Ironically, for a self-proclaimed atheist, he seems to be very enamored with the 'Sermon on the Mount' and other teaching of Jesus Christ, and how more people should apply these ideas in their lives. It was a surprisingly perfect selection for the holiday season.
 In multiple of his speeches Vonnegut describes his Uncle Alex, who urged him to enjoy the good moments in his life, thus the title phrase 'If this isn't nice, what is?' Sometimes we are so busy with our goals, and how great things are going to be 'once our kids are potty-trained', or 'once graduate school is over' or fill in whatever good thing you are waiting for, that we forget to appreciate how really fantastic things are now. If we can't enjoy what we have now, will we ever really enjoy what we have later? We need to look around and make sure that we are enjoying the journey.
 As a mother during the Christmas season, it is easy to get wrapped up in my to-do list: finish finals, exercise, find all the perfect gifts for my kids, take them to the dentist, decorate, get ready for guests, attend a Christmas party, etc. And it is easy for me to stress about the things that didn't get done. I didn't make Christmas cards or neighbor gifts. I didn't make cookies with my kids and I slacked off on a few other Christmas traditions. There is a Christmas present I bought for my daughter that has disappeared. No clue where it went. I had hoped to help my kids do a service activity as a teaching moment, but that didn't really happen. There are dozens of people that deserve signs of my thanks, love and appreciation, that I didn't have the time to reach out to. I think that not having enough time and/or energy in December is a common feeling. Christmas sometimes brings a lot of stress, because in addition to our ordinary lives and responsibilities, there are so many activities that we are trying to squeeze into the same 24 hour sized day.
 This morning I learned of an event that highlighted the urgency of relishing the moment. A couple friends from high school unexpectedly and tragically lost their small child. Although I haven't seen them in years, I cried for them and their loss. As a pediatric nurse, I have had many occasions to be privy to a family's pain for the loss or suffering of their child, and my heart always aches for them. It always makes me want to hug my own kids and be so grateful that they continue to breathe. At home, with me, blissfully unaware of things like cancer or infection. It reminds me that life is fragile and I am so fortunate to have the chance to enjoy these moments with them. So this afternoon, instead of cleaning my guest bathroom, (sorry Mom and Dad) I snuggled with my kids while we watched 'The Muppet Christmas Carol' and I cried more tears of gratitude, that I had that beautiful opportunity to wrap my arms around the two youngest, while my husband had his arms around our oldest. It makes my day to day stresses seem insignificant.
 For many there will be pain and heartache this season, as well as in the year to come, but as Vonnegut said "There will be a lot of happiness, don't forget to notice it". I think my old friends are an awesome example of this, although they are coping with a very painful loss they chose to donate their child's organs to give life, health and happiness to other children. Serious props to them. As heart-breaking as this is, they are sharing a precious gift with many others this holiday season. I'm certain that the families of those children will also cry tears of gratitude. Another Vonnegut quote "The purpose of life is to love whoever is around us and be loved."
 If I could give everyone one thing this holiday season, it is to remind everyone to let go of the little things that don't matter. In the long run, it's okay if you don't finish everything on your Christmas to do list. Appreciate the moment. Smile more. Hug the people that you love. Be grateful for this beautiful chance you have to be alive and to make the world around you a better place.